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21 February 2017 @ 08:02 pm
Its been a while since I last wrote.. A lot has happened. My weight is back up once again. Witch pisses me off.. I can't seem to get back on track or get motivated, to lose weight. I'm so depressed and its the people around me that is effecting me.

Last Friday the cops came here to check on someone in the building and she assumes it was ME. I didn't call.. She think it was because they were asking for me.. Maybe because I'm her friend and they thought I would know.. WTF!!! she is saying pay back is a bitch and all this shit. What the FUCK can I do...

I'm still in this same state and I hope my family and I move ASAP! I mean I know I have to wait until there house is sold and my dad retires. I know it will happen when it does. I just need a change and get out of this state. I hate the cold I always have. so hopefully I can wait it out. I don't have a choice but I'm gonna pray real hard and start to get rid of stuff.. and pack so I don't go crazy packing when the time comes...

Last year in Sept 28, 2016 I had to put down Juliet. she was only 11 years old. She was in the last stages of renal failure. It hurts so much I miss her and Belle so much. I have Chloe and shes 6 years old this May..

Nothing is on TV and I'm sad and board but I will not binge.. I shouldn't let her get to me.. But if she knew me at all.. She would know it wasnt ME who called... WTF.. I want to eat but I wont.. Im so sad I don't want to even do my dishes. I just want to read or watch TV... I can't wait to move. It will been so much better. No one will know me and I can't start fresh. Maybe tomorrow I will open windows and clean a little and color maybe.

I like being alone but sometimes I don't because it gets so lonely. no one to talk to or hang with and sad really. I hope I'm able to make friends when I move and hopefully people will like me for me and not judge me for what I look like.

will write more tomorrow. I should write more.

RIP Juliet 7-7-05-09-28-16
no title
Current Location: Earth
Current Mood: sadsad
29 February 2016 @ 05:37 pm
Its been a long time since I wrote last.. I've been so depressed.. I've very depressed today. My weight is sky high and I try so freaking hard to lose this weight.. I was doing good and then the Dr. put me on this new migraine med, since I was having problems with the old one and I gained 5 pounds in a week!! it was a pound a day!!!!

I feel like a fat ugly monster and I  have no friends, I wish I did. No one wants to be my friend or text or call me.. I  have one friend that I never met. but you know what I'm saying right? Not sure what I should do... Fasting use to be so easy...I hate the winter and cold... Its very gloomy and rainy. I need to clean my apartment but I'm not in the mood today. Maybe tomorrow. (Tuesday). Its March 1st tomorrow. I MUST lose this weight and I want to be 150 or less by May 25th when I go see my DR. that's 25 pounds.. I think I'll stick to tons of salads and I'll add chicken sometimes.. this is a list of foods I will eat. Please let me know if its too much or not good.

1. fruit


3. chicken/tuna

4. low fat dressing

5. I'll have pasta once every other week. I eat whole gain pasta

I do know about portion control. I know I can do this... I hope I can do this.. I can have tuna sandwiches and make sure I don't go over 800 calories..I'll drink crystal light and water.. I want to try to fast at least once a week... I was thinking about taking lax again. not sure if I wan too.. It was so hard to kick that habit. All I had was my vitamins that was 20 calories and some vitamin water witch was 120 calories.. I did workout for 41 minutes even tho my ankle kills me.. I will workout everyday and walk if its nice on Saturdays.if not I will rest and Sunday is a rest day too.. I want to do yoga at night. is that good for relaxing? I do like to draw and color. I have a lot on my mind but I don't want to bore you, with all of it. I just wish someone out there knew how I felt and understood me. My kitties do. After the death of Belle someone gave me a kitty and she is 4 right now and will will be 5 this year. Her name is Chloe and she is so lovable.. She doesn't get a long with Juliet but I guess that will never change...
I use to like to shower all the time and I lost interest in that too. I showered last night. why is it? All I want to do is sleep all day. I sleep better during the day anyways.  Why is that? Why do people sleep better in the day then at night? I like being alone but sometimes it gets lonely.. sorry it was a while since I wrote.
OMG I have this neighbor who says she is my friend but she only speaks to me when it suits here and when I try to call her or text her she ignores me. After all I do for her. I treat her to bath and body works. and all the shit she owns is because of me. I treat her to dinner. I FEEL USED!
Who does she think she is?? I'm so sick of people playing me like I'm some fucking board game.. I'm sick of it..I don't understand why people feel the need to use me and be nasty to me.. I never done anything. I try to do nice things and they use that.. Not anymore. I'm done..

my weight better be less tomorrow.. I ate a lot already so I'm fasting for the rest of the day... I may nap because I love naps. helps me not binge. I did take some water pills I'll take more later tonight.. I would go for a walk since it stopped raining , but my ankle kills. Its a birth defect. so I have to deal with it. sucks. I may go to NYC to find a good Dr who can fix it.. not sure. but if they can I'll be able to run and do all sorts of stuff..

I took a nice long nap and I'm still tried. I did it after I ate. Still thinking about to yoga 2night. I can always start that tomorrow. I'm going out for a tad bit tomorrow and Ill get dry kitty food for my babies.. Well I guess thats all for now.
Current Location: in my living-room.
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: throwback jamz on tv- Brandy and Monica- *Baby*
16 October 2013 @ 07:41 pm
Well I've been thinking. I saw him yesterday and when she text he left. I feel like a dirty little secret and maybe he does think I'm a ugly FAT monster. I like him a lot and he told me he likes me but he is with someone else. WTF is up with that? Like really? It hurts me but i play it off like it doesn't because I don't want to cause any drama and i wouldn't start anything with the chick because I don't know her and she doesn't know me, and I'm not mean.. She is way younger then us and I'm thinking if I stick in there and be patient maybe we will become a couple? What do you think? We do have a lot in common. I don't ad bother him all the time so its not that.. the thing is its funny that when he is here she will text and need something and then he will go to her... Like what the hell... I  have a question when someone is in a open relationship I know what that means but then it turns into a complicated relationship what the hell does that even me? Is that better then open relationship? Or is it on the verge of just being friends? I have no idea.

Maybe he will come tonight. its still early so who knows. I will write more if there is an update but if not then you know he didn't come... I need some advice what should I do??? I'm a nice girl and I know I would treat him well and i wouldn't hurt him. Its funny because when its too late then they come around. I'm so depressed I want to not eat or anything or even drink.. That's a whole different story with food issues but its worse ever since my cat died back in Jan and now this. maybe if I get skinner he will like me? he is a good friend don't get me wrong. I feel so sick to my stomach. He tells me when he is with her and its like a slap in the face but I don't think he means it like that. A while back he ask me if I was jealous of her and i told him no. And I asked why he said just making sure. Was I wrong to say no? should I of said yes?

IDK what to do or think. I mean I care and like him, I should just let it play out right?? I haven't heard from him in like 90 minutes and it drives me crazy because we use to text all day and all night and he use to call me hun but not anymore.. Maybe I should of kept my feelings to myself. Well he did say he liked me too and he wasn't ready for a relationship but he is in one.. I think if he only liked me as a friend he would say something right? Knowing how I feel? I hate the cold weather. I wish it was warmer and I would be walking and not eating and or drinking...

Well I have a goal. I want to lose 30 more pounds by Christmas and I think I can do it, if I don't rally eat or drink.. At least point I don't care. Wonder if anything happened to me would he even care or miss me? I know he cares I think maybe he is confused. Can that happen? I wish my cats would stop fighting. Do you think I have a chance with him? How can I make him notice me? Like have him chase me.. Not sure what to do...

There is someone on here who can help me right? Its freaking crazy. The things that go through my head.... I mean my head says one thing my heart says one thing and my gut another.. I have trust issues so its no good to listen to my head and my heart well its dumb and it can get me into trouble and my gut not sure if its right because of trust issues.. so I'm in a bind here. Can someone help me or give me advice?

Is this all wishful and hopeful thinking or what. I hate this.. Its so upsetting I want to rip my hair out... I think I won't text him I won't bother him and I will wait for him and wait for him to ask if he wants to come over. Is that a good idea? Tomorrow I have someone checking out the wiring in the house and then maybe I will go for a walk if its not too cold or rainy.. I can;t believe tomorrow is Thursday already.. Where does that week go...

I don't want to give to much info on here but if anyone wants to know more who can help me out just message me and I will answer. This whole thing is driving me crazy... I'm really thinking about just saying fuck it and packing a bag and just leaving and not say a word to anyone and see if anyone will notice. I will even leave my cell behind and just leave a note saying good-bye not where I'm going or anything and I will get a new cell before I leave. a burn one so no one can trace me.. I really wish I could do that. I really do. Then dealing with his BS!

I bet he won't come tonight.. you never know though. I hope he doesn't but I won't hold my breath because I will look funny blue. Well he just text me and he is with another girl and now its another slap in the face.. What the hell should I do. I mean really? Is he trying to get me jealous? should I let it show or no?? I mean I like him and i don't want to push him away.. what should I do? he stopped texting so maybe he won't speak to me for the rest of the night or will he? I wonder?

Do you think this is hopeless? I hate getting ready ahead of time and then he doesn't even show, it hurts my feelings but hey what can ya do. Maybe he will come by we will see... I mean maybe I should play it by ear? Lets see how it plays out
Current Location: The darkeness of my room
Current Mood: coldcold
13 October 2013 @ 10:55 pm
Well, I have no Idea what the fuck to do... My weight won't go down, been suck at the same weight for like 2 weeks. This plateau sucks ASS!! There is this guy who I like a lot and he said he likes me.... He said he wasn't ready for a relationship and I told him I understood that and to take all the time he needs, because I do care for him... so now he is dating this girl who is way younger then he is and I want to be with him and I have no idea what to do... What should I do??

He came by tonight we had dinner and he stayed for about 30 minutes and had to pick someone up but really didn't want to but felt bad so he did and came back and stayed for another 30 minutes and then left again. He did kiss me good-bye the second time but not the first time... What should I do? Do you think it will last between those too.. I would never stress him out or treat him bad.. I know I would make him very happy and treat him well.. I don't know what to think... We do text but he doesn't text me like he use to and doesn't call me hun like he use too.. Why is that? She ruined everything. I don't wish ill will on her or anything but I just wish she could find someone her own age, she is younger you know?

I'm thinking maybe if I stick it out and be patient and wait it out, I can get lucky. What do you think? does anyone have any idea? He knows how I feel. I know he knows but I won't say anything anymore. He is a good guy don't get me wrong. I would do anything for him. I just wish he wanted me like I wanted him.. Maybe its because I'm FAT and ugly and look like a monster.  He has pictures of her on his page and phone and other girls... Maybe its because I'm FAT and ugly and look like a monster Idk. Can anyone give me an idea?

Do you think he likes me and is just scared of getting hurt and he knows I wouldn't hurt him but he is trying to keep is distance until he is ready? We have messed around but I have never met his friends or anything. what do you think? do you think its because I'm FAT and ugly Monster? I need help and some advice. Should I ask him to come over again? OR should I wait for him to ask if I want him to come over???

I want to give up. No wonder I have eating issues and its the only thing I can control is what I eat and drink, I don't really eat or drink and I don't care too.. I really don't. Maybe if I get skinner he will like me?? To bad I can't get plastic surgery. I would if I could. I wish I was someone else. I'm not comfortable in my skin. I hate it.. I wish I could peel my skin off. that would be so nice.

If I was a cutter it would sound so good right about now. Let all my feeling bleed out. He was in a open relationship and now it says in a complicated relationship what the fuck does that mean? Does that me its good? I don't know. I wish he would want me like I want him. I can't read his mind... What do you think? how would I know if he likes me more then a friend.. I cant read minds or anything. I wish I could. I mean he is the only one who didn't judge me or anything.

I hope someone out there is reading this who can help me and tell me what they think and give me some hope. I really think If I stay patient and just be supportive you know. That my time will come.. I just want him to give me a chance to show him I can make him happy and treat him really good.. I did tell him that once and he said he knew. I know he would never try to hurt my feelings on purpose or anything... Sorry for venting so much but I have no one to talk to and no one understand and I keep a lot of shit to myself.

I think I'm going to fast for a week or so. and maybe drink . not sure.. I need to lose this weight ASAP...  he said I was fine but I think I'm soooo fucking fat and ugly! I have a like of why questions but I don't dare ask. I know he has a lot going on and I understand that. Do you think there is hope for me? Do you think he will one day give me a chance? Not saying any names just because but if you want more INFO you can message me. I will talk here but not say any names.

I really hate all my flaws. All I want his for him to be happy that's what I ever wanted. I want him to give me a chance to make him happy and treat him good. Sometimes I feel its freaking hopeless. I would never ask for anything. I would never stress him out. That's not my style. He said he would text me so we will see if he does. Its 1030pm so we will see.. I doubt that he will tonight, I'm sure I will hear something tomorrow. we will see...

I hate that he spends so much time with her... It hurts my feelings but I would never tell him that. I put other peoples feelings before mine. It would be nice if he came over and surprised me... If I was a mind reader I would love to know what he thought of me. I don't open up to many people and I open up to him... I know he wouldn't stab me in the back and I would never do that to him. I would never turn my back on him...

Can someone please help me?? I hope someone out here can give me some advice. I just have a feeling she is using him.. I don't have proof so I can't say.. But I just have this feeling you know. please someone help me. I'm going crazy. Its at the point where I want to rip my hair out!!!
Current Location: The darkness of my room
Current Mood: frustratedfrustrated
Current Music: Carrie Underwood-Before he Cheats
03 October 2013 @ 07:22 pm
Well, Its been a while since i last wrote and I'm so sorry about that... A lot has been going on and at this point I just want to give up.. I can't eat or drink or even sleep. I don't want to do anything anymore... That's how sad i am... My two female cats are fighting and one won't use the cat box and I'm hoping to they start to get along soon... I got a new cat since my older cat passed away this year in January.

There is this guy I like and he knows I like him and he said he likes me too but isn't ready for a relationship and now he is seeing this girl who is 14 years younger then us and i think she is using him and I can't shake that feeling... We use to text all the time and he use to call me hun and now he doesn't and when he does it takes him hrs to answer my text. I want to be with him and i got a reading saying he is my soul-mate... He is in an open relationship with her and I would like him all to myself. I feel I belong with him.

What should I do? Wait it out? I want him and i know I may need to be patient but has anyone else had this happen to them and turned out good?? He did ask if I was jealous and I said no because I don't want to ruin anything or push him away. I don't know what to do.. Can someone help me please?? Should I sit and wait it out? I'm very patient and I know I can do it but it hurts. Yes I am jealous and hurt but i would never tell him that. I don't want to make him feel bad because its not his fault how I feel, and i know he isn't doing it to hurt me. Or meaning too.. I really someone can help me, Maybe someone who knows how to do spells or something. I don't know how to do them myself but if there is someone out there who can help me out, please reach out to me and send me a private message

I don't even want to eat.. Maybe he thinks I'm fat and ugly or something I don't know... I'm not perfect and i have flaws and I hate myself because of that.. I feel like I'm some ugly monster. I hate this. I want to eat and drink but i can't if that makes sense... I don't even have the motivation to force myself. not to even drink. I know he likes me and I don't know what is going on or what I did wrong. I wait for him to get a hold of me, because I don't want to bother him.

I feel everyone hates me and no one will love me... I never got a taste of what love really feels like. I'm been dumped on and used and nothing good.. This guy is different. what should I do? can someone help me please? I'm losing all hope and it sucks.. All I want to do is cry and cry and not care.. If I cut I would cut myself that's how bad it is. The thoughts that go through my head. what does everyone think and what should I do?? He is a good guy he really is, he is going through a lot so I don't know someone please help!
Current Location: The darkness in my room
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
12 January 2013 @ 07:56 pm
Well this has been a shitty year so far….. On Thursday 1-10-13 I had to put my Belle down and I don’t know if it was the right thing to do… could I of done more? The vet said there was noting they could do. He May have had Cancer she said.. I feel its my fault…. I gave her catnip on Saturday the 29th and the next day she was very sick and I tried everything. I want Belle back!!!

I have another cat Juliet who is 7 years old and she will be 8 this July. Belle was 15 years old. I miss her!!! I want her back and when I had to put her down it was the hardest thing I had to do ever!!! She screamed with the first shot and that made me feel like shit and then I held her until she fell asleep and then they gave her the other shot and then she was gone.  I feel so empty inside and all alone.  My heart is breaking… I hope I did the right thing. I miss her so much!

We had a special bond. She would play fetch and meow and talk to me… GWAD I will miss her meowing. She use to paw me in the face when I was sleeping and she wanted food or she would come to me during the evening when it was time to eat like she knew the time.. . She would bring me toys too… I will miss that and I miss her. I can’t stop crying and I go into burst of crying. Its so hard on  myself and I DO believe that I did something. I bet it was the catnip… I can’t help it and if I could go back in time, I would never of given it to her…. Why did it have to happen to her??? She didn’t do anything to anyone and all I did was love her… how come she had to die in such pain??  Why does everyone have to die in pain??

I don’t care to eat or drink. My ED is full blown again… I just don’t care anymore… I just don’t care… I know I should drink but I don’t want to and I don’t care… as for food I don’t care either… I gained so much weight I can live off my fat…. I use to be 131 before Belle got sick and gained weight before she got sick. I’m 168.8 right now, and I will be less again and I don’t care if I get super skinny
I can sleep all day and all night, that’s how  feel. I want to crawl into  a hole and not come out until this pain passes witch I know will never because Belle is my little girl and I think I hear her… Like I here the jingle of her bell from her collar and I could swear she was in the cat box because Juliet was with me… am I crazy??? I should think not

I have to clean the whole apartment but I don’t want to and I don’t want to lose Belle’s sent. I wish she was here and not sick. I need her right now. I know I have Juliet but she isn’t Belle… Belle needed me.. She use to know the sound of the car dropping me off and she would look out the window and meow. I will miss that too… She was my little  girl. I would love to have ONE more day with her to tell her how much I love her… I know she was in pain and I know she knew I loved her.. Well I hope she does&hellip

See I’m crying again and can’t stop.. This sucks.. When will this pain go away… I know I shouldn’t blame myself for her death but I do… Cant help it… We will never know if it was the cat nip or not and if it was I would SO sue!!! Taking my baby cat away from me… I know people say 15 is old but not to me!!! I know I should shower tonight to relax but I don’t want to. I just don’t care and I know I need to workout Monday and I just don’t care… I don’t care about anything anymore…

How can I go on without Belle? I mean she’s been with me since she was 3 years old. This is so hard.. I just wish I could wake up from this nightmare and Belle is here and healthy and happy. What’s the point of working out and eating and drinking if Belle isn’t around… Is this my ED talking now? Do I care NOPE

I have this friend if you want to call her that, said if Belle dies and when she will stay with me for a while and do you think she is here? NOPE broken promises just like always… why do people make them if they tend to break them and don’t even tend to keep them?? It pisses me off too…
Its still early and I want to sleep but I won’t because I’m so numb. I just don’t care. I want to sleep all day tomorrow but I can’t cause I need to clean even though I don’t want too… I will to keep busy and as for eating yeah I will think about it and drinking I would think about that too..
I can’t handle anymore bad news… I can’t. I hope the rest of the year is better then this few weeks. People say happy new year and I’m like yeah what’s good about it. I know  I should do the cat box and I will do that so Juliet has a clean box

Today I had ½  a roast beef sandwich and some chips and I didn’t eat it all… I missed the fat when I make a sandwich Belle will be right at my feet begging.  I don’t eat much anymore and I don’t really care. I don’t care to eat or drink
I hope I sleep good tonight. I’m watching a movie right now and then later will be The Big bang theory  witch is a funny movie but ever since Belle got sick I don’t find anything funny anymore.. Right now I’m in my PJS and it feels nice… I’m all alone right now

I had 440 calories witch is bad I know… I know I DEF have to clean tomorrow and maybe if I play music I can feel somewhat better. Witch I doubt. I want  to sleep in as long as I can… Juliet has be loveable today and yesterday, she is on the arm of the couch and I hope she lays near me soon
Thinking about staying up to midnight and then head to bed so I can watch some shows and relax and I will wake up and clean and clean and just be blah and I will workout but I won’t enjoy it like I use too

I will one day I guess…. All I know is that I MUST lose tons of weight and I want to be toner and thinner by summer and spring. Spring I want to be 140 witch is 28 pounds witch I can do and wear cute Spring cloths. I want to get to 105 or less not sure and don’t care as long as I’m super thin. I’m 5’2 so I have to be thinner then most cause I’m short
I’m going to end this because I’m way sad and I don’t want to write anymore
R.I.P Belle 3-15-97-1-10-13

Current Location: on my couch
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: The Shawshank Redemption
13 January 2011 @ 07:33 pm

I didn’t go anywhere today.. I slept most of the day and I’m still very tried… I will get going to be early tonight so I can get up and workout in the morning.. I did lose weight.. Only a lb =( so I’m down to 154.2. I hope I can be in the 140s by the end of the month…..

I worked out today and I did eat some.. I had 420 calories today and a little more to drink then I would of liked… Not sure If I’m going out tomorrow but if so I will be ready by 10am.. This weekend I want to just relax and read… I hope I don’t binge this weekend and I hope I lose more then a lb by tomorrow. I may since I’m sleeping a lot today… Do you think 420 calories is bad??

I’m still freaking out about the food stamps thing and I really hope they don’t cut me… I filled it out the best I could and then I forgot a few things and put it in a different envelope so I hope she gets them and knows who it belongs to. I will call her sometime next week or I will just wait until I hear something..

This is going to be a early night, Since I want to go to bed early and read for like an hour and then two bed by 10pm…

Today’s weight- 154.2
1gw-150-4.2 lbs to go
worked out - Yes for 94 minutes.
Total calories- 420 calories.
Current Location: My Apartment
Current Mood: thirstythirsty
Current Music: The best little girl in the world
11 January 2011 @ 09:59 pm

Today was a good day!! I slept in until 9am and I got up and feed the kitty’s and I took the new diet pill and it WORKS AWESOME! Just like I thought! I lost weight too! I lost 1.6lbs… I had a GREAT workout.. I have one pill left for tomorrow and then I will see how well it works and how much weight I lose in two days from the pills and then if I lose at least 3lbs or close to it. I will order then at the end of the month… I want to make sure I don’t fuck myself over…

The pills are GREAT I’m not even hungry and I worked my ass off today, when I was doing my workouts….I got so thirsty though. I was SHOCKED when I saw the scale this morning and it said 156.8.. Pretty soon I’ll be out of the 150s. I hope!! I do have the other diet pills I can take until I buy the StimulantX. I also have to be super careful because The Dexitrim aren’t as strong as these are.. There so worth the money! I’ve been in a good mood all day long!!!

Well, I’m running out of steam so maybe I’ll be able to sleep tonight. We will see… I will workout tomorrow when I wake up and then let the sauce, that I made for my dad and his GF simmer all day….

Good NEWS I had nothing to eat all day long,.. Only a bite of sauce to make sure its cooking well…Were going to get even more snow then what I first stated… Now there saying we can get up to 24 inches! That’s a shit load of fucking snow!!! I REALLY hate snow !! We’ve been having snow storms for the pass 3 weeks now and they say we can get another storm next Wednesday. UGH!

I REALLY need to be at least 135 or less by March and then close to 110 by August so the Dr doesn’t call me FAT again and how way over weight I am… Even if I got to 115 I could handle that.. I do want to be 100 total or even less… I will have to see when I get there… I hope I can tone up as well… I would love for my bones to stick out! That would be AWESOME!!! Then I will know I’m looking good!!!

I FEEL so good.. I had no food today and hardly anything to drink… I feel like I’m getting back to the way I was and having control and I know I will lose this weight… Lets see if I feel the same tomorrow when I wake and see what my weight is… I may have more to drink tomorrow so I don’t get sick…. I DO want something to eat. I won’t give in though.. I can always eat tomorrow. I can make a tomato sandwich witch will be 215 calories and that could be it for the day…

Surprising I’m no longer tired… I got my second burst of energy! I got my green fourm from my state worker to fill out so I can get food stamps next month. I hope I filled it out right and made copies of everything she needed… I’m so nervous about that,,, I’m sure its okay but if not I can call her and see why not… Nothing has changed. just my rent.. That only went up 6 dollars… Witch isn’t anything….I’m not going to lie. I’m freaking out about it… This is the first time I did it on my own.. Thank god its only once a year,,, I hope I did it okay… There is going to be a storm tomorrow so she won’t get it tomorrow I think she will get it next week sometime.. I have until the 20th and today is only the 11th so tomorrow it was going to be sent out so I will say Thursday witch is the 13th and then she will get it by Monday or Tuesday witch will be 17th or 18th. So I’m all good. Then a week or so after. Before Feb I will get a letter telling me.. I know I’ll be okay,,, If not it will be fixed. I can do it…

I shouldn’t stress because If I do I will binge I know it… I hate not knowing and everything.. I hope I did it right.. Its bugging me BIG time… The food stamps help! That’s for sure! I get 200 and I do good on that… I don’t make any extra money or anything… Oh shit I think I forgot to give her my banking number… DAMIT! I’m such an asshole! I did leave her a message telling her that and to give me a call if I did… I just hope they don’t cut down my food stamps.. I hate that I’m worrying so much!!! UGH!!!! What should I DO?? Should I worry? They only like when you leave one message and she wont be in tomorrow because of the storm but she will be in Thursday but they don’t make calls after 12pm.. So I may have to wait until Friday or when she gets the fourm.

Why do I worry so much.. I know its not the end of the world and I can’t do anything until I hear something.. If so I can go from there… Its no big deal I know that but I’m still freaking….

Today there was little to no drama.. That woman GAIL better not have a sugar low because she will be fucked cause of the storm and stuck at the hospital and the EMT will take forever to get here.. Its going to be a bad storm.. I would laugh my ass off if no snow comes.. I know that’s wishful thinking though. I just checked and its not snowing yet…

Now I’m getting hungry and I don’t want to eat and break my fast.. I tried drinking water and nothing is helping.. UGH… I can chew gum or try to read.. I know tomorrow will be easier because I won’t be hungry until night time.. I’m so scared that I will make something high calorie and then blow today!!!

Now there saying we can get thunderstorms mixed in with the snow storm.. We could they said… I hope we don’t lose power because that would really suck!! BIG time!!! I wont have heat or anything.. I will be stuck in a cold dark house.. Witch wouldn’t be good… The only good thing is that I wont be able to cook anything.

I think tomorrow I will defiantly drink more. I hope I do gain water weight if I do!! My plans for tomorrow are, I’ll get up and workout and feed my cats,, but the sauce on. So it can simmer all day and just relax and watch movies and read.. Plus not knowing about the food stamps fourm. I’ll be freaking out until then.. I know I’m wasting energy on it but its not knowing.. You know? Why do I let things get to me?? Something that I have no control over.. I hate not having control!! It makes me insane and I will go nuts and panic until I know and hear something.. If they cut me I will freak out more.. They shouldn’t though because I’m not making anymore money then I was last year and my rent went up.. So why should I worry right? I guess because that’s what I do…

I just thought of something.. I can’t order the pills until I find out about the food stamps, Witch sucks!! I hope I find out before the first of the month… why do I worry so much?? I hate that!!

I have a few things to do before bed.. Like I need to brush my teeth and was the dishes and watch my show at ten.. Criminal Minds.. Well I will end it for today so I’ll write more tomorrow.. Oh btw I had a rice cake witch was 35 calories and that was it for today… I had to eat something.. My head was hurting.. I’m full now =)!

Today’s weight- 156.8
1.gw- 150- 6.8 lbs to go
Total calories- 35 (like 5 minutes ago)
Worked out- Yes 93 minutes.
Current Location: My Apartment
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Criminal Minds- on ION
10 January 2011 @ 09:36 pm

Today was a good day.. I got up and I worked out. Even though I didn’t want too.. I lost weight as well. I lost 1.4 lbs so I’m down to 158.4. I hope I’m less tomorrow. As for food, I did really well I had 415 calories witch is really good for me.. I had 1 soup 200 calories and I tomato sandwich witch was 215 calories. Not sure about tomorrow since I’m not going out anywhere. I may have the same…

I got my sample of the diet pill today.. They only sent two so it will be for only two days and a pill each and if I lose some and not get hungry then I will order then the first of the month once all my bills are paid…I may get them the end of the month if I have money left over. I really hope the pills work!!! I can’t wait to try the pills. I hope I can lose at least 4lbs with the pills.

I’m not going out tomorrow I wont be going out until Thursday since its going to snow AGAIN on Tuesday night and all day Wednesday… I freaking hare the snow.. That’s for sure!!! I can’t wait until the nice warm weather!!!

Today there was a little drama… You guessed it. Gail Strikes again! She complain again about her granddaughter and son.. How much can she complain about.. it’s the same thing over and over again.. She just keeps repeating herself. We tell her we don’t want to hear it and she keeps it up… She doesn’t listen to a word anyone says…

Tonight is a very slow night.. I need to get a small lamp for my desk so I can see what I’m doing… It will make it a lot easier to see what I’m doing at night… so I don’t need the big light on… Right now its okay because I know where the buttons are and everything but sometimes it’s a pain in the ass!! Know what I mean? If A blind person can do it so can I right?

I have another headache… I’ve been getting them a lot lately.. I wonder why?? I did eat today and I’m not getting my period and I had nothing to drink only water.. What could it be.. Maybe because my body is tried? I do want to try to go to bed early… If not that’s okay because I’m not going anywhere tomorrow so I could sleep in, then workout when I wake up.. Or I can get up early workout and then go back to bed.. I will see how I feel when I wake tomorrow and then decide. What I want to do..

I think tomorrow I will read the rest of my book after I workout of course… Wednesday I’m going to make homemade meat sauce for my dad and his GF… so that will take all day and I wont be going anywhere because it will be snowing once again! This is the 3rd storm in 3 weeks! I’m so sick of snow already!!! I WANT the warmer weather!!!

At the end of this entry I will show you my cats.. Their VERY special to me.. Belle is using the stairs I got her, So she can get on the bed.. She was on the bed a lot yesterday and some of today… Right now she is relaxing on the floor Juliet the younger one is sleeping on the chair. There so cute!!!!

All I want to do is relax tonight and I hope I sleep well.. Maybe I will take a nice long nap tomorrow… I can’t wait to workout tomorrow for some reason.. I may get up early and workout so I don’t have to worry about it.. If I don’t do it in the AM I wont, I know me.. Sometimes I will do it in the PM but I will try the new pills and see how that works!!! WISH me LUCK! Then next month for sure I will buy them if the two they gave me works REALLY well!! I will only take one because there is only two.. I know it makes fasting easy, last time I remembered.

So I have to see… I really hope it works and I’m so excited too!!! This will be the number one pill if it works.. I do have the other pills the Dexitrim complex 7 also.. So we will see what works better.. I can use the Dexitrim on weekends and Stimulant X during the week.. This should be awesome!!!

I’m so proud of myself I didn’t binge today and I ate under 500 calories… I’m hoping tomorrow is the same or less.. Maybe I can fast or just eat under 300 calories.. Now that would be AWESOME!!! I wish I had the money know to get them but I don’t I will have to wait until the end of the month when I know I got all I needed and then not worry.. Then Feb I will get them.. Then I can try the ABC diet when I get them… It takes about 2 weeks to get them so I will start the ABC diet AS SOON as I get them and then maybe I can be 130 or close to it by March when I see the Drs.. Then August when I see the GYN I can be less then that… so then she can say I’m no longer FAT!!! I want to be underweight. That’s what I want.. Its better to be underweight then over weight. Does that make sense?

I may read a little tonight I don’t know.. Depends on how I feel… I mean I’m very tried but I want to stay up as long as I can and then go to bed. So then when I wake I will workout. I really should try to get up no later then 9am so I can workout and then relax for the rest of the day… Maybe go back to bed if I’m tried… with the new diet pills I shouldn’t be.. We will see.. This is SO exciting! I can’t wait to SEE!!!!! Then I will order then them and tell everyone how great they are.. They should be GREAT!! They want an arm and a leg for them!!!! I took them 3 years ago and they were great but they went back to the old formula that I LOVE so I know their REALLY AMAZING!!!

I have my new printer all hooked up that can make copies and fax and they all work!!! My dad and his GF gave me there old one since I needed a new one.. Then I will save up money for new speakers and a keyboard. That will be in March or April.. I’m in no rush what so ever… Now when I need to make copies for when I reply for food stamps witch you need to do every year I can do it from home without going out and doing it! YAY!!! Or I can always fax them something if they didn’t get it.. That is always a good thing as well! That is also exciting!

I know On Thursday I’m going to get some tuna since its low calorie and its on sale for 77 cents so that’s always good and that’s about it… I can’t wait for hotter weather because then they’ll have more yummy fruit I can choose from!!! Plus fresh veggies as well! Then I can really look good for the summer time….

Tomorrow I’m doing weight’s and cardio and abs and it will be a 93 minute workout.. Today was only 69 minutes… I do abs every other day so my body doesn’t get use to it.. I switch the days every week so it tricks the body.. I will do that for a few months and see how that works and see if I see a difference….

I so need a lamp because I’m sort of typing in the dark and its okay for now but I need something soon… My dad and his GF are giving me a table where I can put the printer on it so I have more room on my desk and its not so tight. Then I can use a lamp where the printer is now and move my monitored over some.. Then I wont have the sun hitting it or my eyes when I type… I cant put the desk anywhere else witch sucks! I would move it in my bedroom but the desk is solid oak.. Can’t do it and I don’t have anyone to help me.. If I don’t like it and I move it, I’m shit out of luck so it has to stay where it is.

I can’t stop yawning.. . Don’t you hate that? I need to get to bed soon but I want to try to stay up a little longer, and read some of my book but I may wait until tomorrow.. I will see.. I’m always changing my mind.. Not when it comes to losing weight I wont… That’s something I will not change my mind about… not until I’m happy with my weight… Who knows if I will ever be..

Well, I’m going to call it a night my show is on in 30 minutes and I want to watch Castles..

Today’s weight- 158.4
1.gw- 150-8.4 lbs to go
Total calories- 415
Worked out- Yes-  69 minutes.

Here are my kitty's Belle 13yrs old. Will be 14 this march and Juliet 5 years. Will be 6 this July

Belle 13 years old

Juliet 5 years old 
Current Location: My Apartment
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Notorious- Crime show
08 January 2011 @ 10:27 pm

Well, today was SO cold out… I’m so fucking pissed today! I can’t believe with all the working out I did yesterday I fucking GAIN weight… I gained 2 fucking lbs!!!! Today I fucking binged too!!! I did however took lax when I was doing so well not taking them for months… I will not take anymore.. I don’t have any to take anyways… I better lose some weight… I tried not to drink anything today but I just had another binge on water…

This weight gain ruined my whole fucking DAY!!! Let me tell you! I binged and slept… Tomorrow I will fast as long as I can… I do have fruit in the frig and if I get hungry I will have some fruit or yogurt and then Monday I will REALLY start the restricting. I will have NO more then 500 calories… I really NEED to do the ABC diet… I will wait until Feb 1st when I get more money so I can buy tons of veggies and fruit.

I will have tons of water tomorrow and then if I can fast for more then one day I will be happy… then I will do a fruit and veggie fast and just keep the calories under 500 calories… Like I can make a tomato sandwich with light bread and light mayo and it would only be 110 calories and that’s good right? Then I can have a yogurt and fruit and veggies… I will do that all of Feb… I NEED to get to 150 by the end of the month…

I was doing so well, and I thought I would make it to 150 but now I don’t know because I gained weight… Why the fuck did I gain? I mean come on, I did binge but I burnt almost 2,000 calories and I only ate about 1,090 calories… so its like what the fuck!! Does this happen to anyone else? Or am I the only one!!??!??

My plans for tomorrow are very simple.. I will sleep as long as I can… Then I will feed my cat’s and clean and then once I’m done cleaning I will take a nap depending on what time it is, then I will read and watch movies… I know I will have to go to bed early because I have to get up early Monday morning so I can workout…. I will drink tons of water and have NO food… I can’t I need to lose this weight…it’s a must!!!!

Tonight was okay, even though I’m so pissed I gained weight… I drank tons of water… so not only did I binge on food I binged on fluids. I was so freaking thirsty!!! I may go to bed early tonight who knows… I’m so freaking mad… I took a shower tonight to see if that would relax me and it didn’t really… I mean it sort of did…. All, I’m doing is typing this and watching Wicked Attraction, in my bedroom… I started on my couch but moved to my bedroom… Its so nice and relaxing in here.. My bed is so comfy! Sorry this is going to be a very long entry… When I’m mad or depressed I tend to type and type… so if you don’t want to read the whole thing I do understand.

I don’t get why I would gain weight… I worked out for a long time and even though I did had tons of food I burnt more then I ate… I was so upset today I binged BIG time and binged on fluids and took lax and didn’t workout since I don’t on weekends unless I go for a walk, when its not cold out… Will I ever lose this weight and get back down to 130??? I so need to and I NEED to be less then that… I hate this… Why ME?? Its like I look at food and I gain… I keep the calories low and I gain… Do you think this weight gain could be water weight? Since I drank more water then I would on a normal basis?

It’s so cold in my house… I hate it… My landlord has a lock on the heater so I cant turn it up pass 70 and there is no heat in my bedroom or bathroom or kitchen… I do have a heater fan that warms the bedroom. I have a heated mattress. So that keeps me warm for the most part… I am chilly right now though…

Belle used the stairs today and that is so good!! I like when she does… Some days she doesn’t. My cat’s didn’t sleep with me last night… I wish I had a bathtub where I could just relax in a nice hot bubble bath and forget all my problems… I think I will start eating fiber bars and yogurt… That fills me up. I know I can lose this weight!!! I have too!!!

Once I get my weight way down I will start looking for a BF I will go out more.. Maybe… I want to look good for the summer time… I know I can do it… I was reading old entry’s and I know I can lose this weight again… I just need to get on track and focus and not let anyone fuck me up like they did the last time….

I was 131 a few yrs ago and I met this guy name Phil and I thought he was nice and he seemed nice but all he wanted was a BJ and he told me that my face turned him off… What a fucking ass hole so that made me very upset and Depressed and then here comes Joe he was another ass hole who fucked with me and I got even more depressed so then I didn’t care about anything and I would binge and binge and binged… I stopped working out and then last year I broke my foot and took a year to heal and in the mean time I was binging and gaining not working out and gaining… so now I’m back to 160.. I need to lose this weight.. It’s bullshit.. Will I ever lose this weight?? I sure hope I do!!! I feel like such a failure sometimes.. Know what I mean? Does anyone else feel like this?

It’s pretty quite out tonight.. I’m surprised since it’s a Saturday night… There is always something going on here… I think its because its old out… Its much more nosier in the warmer weather.. I can’t wait for spring and summer… I love the warm weather…. It makes me happy when the weather is nice…

I REALLY hope I lose weight tomorrow and then even more by Monday… I’m so pissed and it’s making me more determined… so that’s a good thing… The more pissed I get the more determined I get because I will not lose I will win this breaking battle… I will lose this weight once and for all once a freaking again!!!

I’m so pissed… I just step on the scale with no cloths on to see what it said… I gained 1.4lbs since this morning!! WTF!!!???? I will never lose this weight!! I so better be less tomorrow… I will have a busy day tomorrow. I will clean my house and keep busy and not eat anything.. I wonder how much weight I can lose if I do a water/yogurt diet.. Has anyone done that diet before?? Well I better lose some weight tomorrow and by Monday…. This is really pissing me off…

No drama today! Witch is good… It makes it easier when there is no drama… I may sleep in so I can feel rested and lose tons of weight well I’m hoping 2lbs or more… then I will drink tons of water tomorrow and clean the house and just keep busy… I can take my time so it takes me all day so I don’t eat anything… that would be GREAT!!!

Well, I’m going to end it here and just relax for the rest of the night before bed and then read some then go to sleep around 2ish

Today’s weight- 159.6
1.GW 150- 9.6 lbs to go
Workout- No
Total calories- binged! 
Current Location: My Bedroom
Current Mood: pissed offpissed off
Current Music: Wicked Attraction